Boss Of Everything

What Happened to August?!

Posted on September 4th, 2008 by prinny.
Categories: News.

I did ok at the Olympics this year. My 14 gold medal haul received the requisite amount of press but it still seemed obsessed with the winged armspan of that Phelps chap. I dunno, being an Aussie I guess I’m a natural introvert.

I am deeply obsessed with all thing Olympic and like me fellow countrymen every four years my intense and diverse expertise on sports such the intricacies of the equestrian three day eventing and K12 yachting (no body cares if it’s real or not) comes to the fore. “If she doesn’t tighten the jib the flax pan is going to deploy and she’ll be lost… see! What did I tell you!” Urgh, some people can not be coached! Damn you, whoeveryouare!

There’s no need to get into the whatthefuckweretheythinking?! lists of stupid ’sports’ that shouldn’t even be IN the Olympics. Ping pong?! Shuttlecock?! Quiots! Or sports losers do to pass the time on Fairstar the Fun Ship or in prison! Just as there’s no need to drool over the Men’s Gymnastics - specifically, the Roman Rings… ghavntjkl ewrgheyr #%645 …

HG & ROY were, as always, my Olympic highlight. Here we are, three weeks later (give or take) and I’m still listening to and laughing at their podcasts. The fact that the Aussie team’s uniforms made them look like ‘fat bluebags‘ (HAAAAAAAA, kills me!) and that James Tompkins daughter will only ever remember him as a loser if he doesn’t go through to London in 2012 (hahahahaha! Six time Olympian Loser!) or how the families of the Chinese athletes who did not win gold were taken out and shot (hahahahahaha!), HG personally heard the gunshots from his luxury Donga in Beijing.

The Ch 7 coverage of the Games was appalling by generous standards (you know you’ve gone TOO far repeating the same stupid sports event over and over when they NOT QUITE TWO YEAR OLD in the house says, “Oh! Not again!” I mean, did they even bother to show ANY track & field events that included biffin heavy shit!? Hammer throw - turn turn turn, let go! (heh go Miss Gerda!). The Shot Put? Discus? I saw exactly 6 mins of the the first round of javelin then, nothing! Grrrrrrrrrrr So the fact that 7 didn’t take HG and Roy and let ‘em loose was just the final nail in the coffin. Shame on you 7. You bunch of brain dead morons! You sent the friggen morning show!!!!!! You may as well have sent a clutch of regional weather girls a ball of string and a bucket of prune juice. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!!!!!!!!!!

We should boycott the next Olympics unless HG & Roy are going too.

That’ll learn ‘em!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And hey, guess what? My skinny cousin Dee completely exploded and had her twin babies on the 27th of September. If there was an Olympic event - Biggest Preggers Belly, Dee woulda won PANTS down!

So welcome to little Robert (BOBBY) David Stanley and Edith (EDIE) Rae Margaret. Cute as a bag of freshly moistened kittens.

Ok I wasn’t going to but I HAVE to post the pic of Dee’s tummy. It’s ok Dee, for perspective I’ll post one of my pregger belly too. This is Dee at 36 weeks! She still had a couple to go! bwahahahahaha! See, pure gold medal material! And me at 38 weeks!!!!!!! I wouldn’t even place in this race! I would cheat and take steroids though.

___

And here’s the bumps outta the tummy.

See? Proper cute. They looks cute enough that they may have fallen out of me instead of my ugly cousin and her average looking British hubby.

Lotsa love,

Aunty Fabulous xxxx

4 comments.

Obsessions

Posted on July 31st, 2008 by prinny.
Categories: Stories.

Food and Real Estate thankyouverymuch. If I find a house I can eat, I’m doomed! Ok, let me qualify that… if I can find a low carb house, that’s self propagating, near the city, with a yard and ok, no neighbours. I’m DOOMED! It’ll need to be full of glass (gonna be tricky to eat, I am aware of that but ultimately worth it I think) and gorgeous architectural features. High tech - naturellement - ginormo kitchen with the $80k stove I saw the other day (yes that’s eighty thousand dollars) a panoramic roof top deck and… a Butler. The interiors should give a shy nod towards disgustingly opulent. Not a Rose Hancock “I lub you Langley” disgustingly opulent. I’m looking more for a Grand Designs Kevin McCloud look-at-me-fawn-over-the-beauty-of-design kinda opulence. Proper opulence. Taste, if you will. The opposite of, “Look Rose, something tacky!”

Grand Designs makes me froth. A deep bubbling froth that has me oohing and sighing alternating with a lot of screaming, “Get outta my house!” GET OUT and take your awful framed wedding photos and your molting cat with you!” *sigh* So many pretty thing for people who don’t deserve them anywhere near as much as me.. mee… MEEEE! Feature walls of glass. Funky designer furniture in unique fabrics. Water features that don’t include pebbles and fake fish. Indoor gyms (don’t need to use it to have one). Ensuites with his and hers everythings. Sea Views and undercover parking… *sigh*

Gawd I love stuff! I disgust myself a little, with how much I love ’stuff’ but then I get more stuff and I forgive myself. “I forgive me.” “Thank you, you’re so kind.” “I know.” “Here have some stuff as way of thanks.” “Oh for me? Thank you.” “You’re welcome!” I’m so kinda AND polite. Obviously, in a past life I was a charming architect. I bet I was brilliant at it.

The other thing I slavishly obsess over is, food. Really, a fat chick loves food - who’da guessed?! That’s not a very nice thing to say about Linda, is it? Now come on. Apologise. “Sorry Yinya.” Ok, back to me. I love food too! (heh even hungry, I’m funny.) The Food Channel is a calorie whore who must be observed in this house. Ok, only by Spike and I but we love it enough for three people. B would rather shove silence in his eyes please. Although, enabling my addiction he lovingly sent me to this gorgeous link I clicked it and have become a devotee.

I read Slashfood and have been known to frequent Taste.com but this new geekafied foody site is just the bees knees, infused with orange zest and served on a saffron pilaf of cats meows. Open Source (surely Open Sauce would be more appropriaté, pas il?) Recipes. It does have great recipes, and gorgeous photographs of same. Admittedly, if you get close enough to cat food with good lighting you can make it look like delicious, expensive paté. But still, the cat food comment notwithstanding, it’s a gorgeous site.

Yeah yeah, I love my husband and my baby and writing and my iPhone blah blah blah… but if I could find a way to make a living from consuming real estate and food from the comfort of my own home, I would definitely explode with joy. Full on. Muck on the walls explode.

*sigh*

Thar she blows!

What’s obsessing you?

Me xxxx

3 comments.

Almost a year…

Posted on July 11th, 2008 by prinny.
Categories: Stories.

Yup, crazy how fast time flies, eh? It’s almost a year since we officially pulled out of Iraq LA.

Yes we’ve been back ‘n forward but it hasn’t stuck. It’s like a cured cold sore… just don’t pick at it and she’ll be right. Don’t get run down oh and don’t kiss licentious girls. Spike Riley has adjusted well to being an inner city baby. He knows where the ‘good’ parks are, the ones with the wild swings and dangerously steep slides. He knows he gets an empty cup and a spoon to play with when we pop into Joe’s and I’ve been trying to teach him to yell out, “Go home junkie!” to well, the junkies who like to frequent our laneway to shoot up before shambling back home to Glen Iris.

B has also adjusted to hanging on to the underside of the hemisphere. He’s mastered a Hook Turn (impressive, yes) and general navigating is going well thanks to TomTom. He knows where Joe’s and the good park is too. Home for him will always be in Denver but Melbourne’s a bloody nice alternative.

I love, love, love being back around decent coffee and fantastic service. I love the trams rattling down Smith Street and the abundance of Vietnamese food at my fingertips. I love driving on the correct side of the road again, FREE HEALTHCARE, WEATHER and my iPhone. (Did I mention I have an iPhone… heh)

What I miss is… the cost of living! Holy crap shit’s expensive here! Where’s the cheap cars? The affordable clothes and accoutrement? Why am I mortgaging my house to buy a pair of baby shoes or some make-up? (Thank you Lord eBay, without you I’d be paying full price.) I miss being able to SMS Google when I’m lost and can’t find the address of the store shop I was looking for. CHEAP internet service (don’t get me started!!!!) I miss internet searching for things that actually have relevance to where I live. (Yes, I set my google home page to Australia but it still gives me Richmond VI search results.) I miss first release movies and tv shows I mean come on! Dexter is in series 3 now! (- what a corker of a show.) Yes, basically I miss all the horrible consumer things. The things for which An Over Abundance Of are the main reason the rest of the world Hates America. Yes, those lovely, lovely affordable things. *sigh*

~~~~~

So, that Wigfield is a hoot, eh? For the uninitiated. Wigfield is another ravishing book from the minds of Sedaris, Colbert & Dinello - the Strangers With Candy crew. Here’s Amy as Cinnamon, one of Wigfield’s exotic dancers… “Do they know I’m albino?” Paul Dinello’s, Julian Childs. The proprietor of The Bunny Hutch, the local theatre (whose actors are mostly soft-furred and large-eared). And Stephen Colbert’s, Raven. Another of the town’s “big boned” exotique dancers.

B got me the audio book for our anniversary/mother’s day. It tells the story of the small town of Wigfield which is about to return to its former life - a creek - as the town’s dam is under orders to be dismantled. The book is a series of interviews with the town’s residents (who are beautifully photographed by Amy’s friend, Todd Oldham) played by Stephen Colbert, Amy Sedaris and Paul Dinello. It’s every bit as demented as you would expect from those three. Stephen has (as Nana’s all around the world would say) such a lovely speaking voice… blind people must love him. So much so in fact that I’ve decided from now on, I want all my books read to me by Stephen Colbert. Either in person (he’d be so comfortable perched on a small stool beside my bed like a raven… ok a yacky wee budgerigar) or, time permitting downloaded onto my iPhone’s (did I mention I have one?) iPod so I can chuckle myself to sleep. Do yourselves a favour, add Wigfield to your list. It’s worth every last second of your time.

That’ll do from my meandering brain today. Hope you’re all well enough to start sending me cash n cakes. I’ll even take a money flan… I’m just that kinda girl.

Me, not Albino xxxx

5 comments.

The opening sequence of my new show…

Posted on June 17th, 2008 by prinny.
Categories: Uncategorized.

I know, gripping isn’t it?! And that’s just the first 10 mins!

Me xxxx

2 comments.

ABCDEF…WYZ A Make Your Own Words Kit.

Posted on May 13th, 2008 by prinny.
Categories: Stories.

Writing is such a joyful experience for me. Yes probably because I find it easy and I’m exceptionally good at it. Yes, that’s probably it. Hmm? Nope, not listening - that is most assuredly the reason! Comedy and I have had a bit of a fight. So I’ve turned away from it (that fickle whore) at the moment to throw down a bit of dramatic hoo-hah, Final Draft style. My *friend Rich asked, “What kind of drama? Is it funny??” heh That’s a suspicious comic for ya. Answer? Yeah, ’tis, actually. Well at least it got a few chuckles around the table-read the other day. (Humongous thanks to those who participated, btw.) It’s such a fine line betwixt the funny and the ‘oooh!” Fleety once said, “Funny + Sad = Art.” A saying I love. He also says, “Hurry, Daddy’s vein is going down.” But that’s the good thing about junkies. You don’t need to listen to e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g they say. Every second thing will do. I love the line good ‘funny’ treads. GOOD funny has truth to back it up. It has guts and a heart. Or, occasionally it’s just someone falling down. Hard. Ok, slapstick isn’t helping my cause here…

Chris Morris is about my favourite comedian/writer in the whole swollen world (as if you didn’t even hardly know!). Trying to explain him to people is an exercise in utter frilly, futility. He’s just… and then he says… then he got arrested for copying dogs… Do your brain a huge favour and just look him up. Jam (is sublime), Brass Eye, This Day Today, the exquisite Nathan Barley. B says, “he’s not for beginners” which sums him up beautifully. (Both B and Chris Morris!) He’s simply generations ahead of anything or anyone else on the planet. I think the only one who comes close is another Brit, **Simon Munnery. Completely different writers but both so incredible. And ‘incredible’ is such a shit word to describe either of them. They need their own word. Like, Fanmastical. Yes. They’re fanmastical and they both fill me with overwhelming (brain) avarice. But so what. I just wrote a show about ladies! So there! Take that you big… bums! (Woo, I am on FIRE!)

What’s my point? Oh yeah, words ‘n shit. They’re nice and good, aren’t they? My son is learning new words every day. The latest being ‘oh-gurt’. (Vanilla Jalna if you don’t mind.) It’s so fascinating to watch him grapple his way around what we say to him. We’re still having a bunch of fun with it. For instance, I’ll get up and leave the room and B will say to the baby, “If you were a better baby, she wouldn’t leave.” We don’t turn Family Guy off when he’s in the room, nor do we edit what we say to each other. (Ok, we’ve started to spell b-a-t-h and w-a-l-k but you get the picture.) i hope he loves language as much as we do. I also hope he has his father’s grammar skills and my… skin. I have lovely skin.

My other favourite thing (what I love) is my iPhone. Do I have an iPhone? Wait, lemme check… why yes iDo! We picked up it on our last visit back to ‘the old country’. It is simply the best piece of technology ever invented. I love how it rIngs and it gets eMail and how it cApitilises every second lEtter in a wOrd. I love it’s iPoddiness, it’s Google Maps and it’s full screen You-Tubeish bahaviour. I love that it makes my conversations smarter, my hair shinier and my lung function in the top 90% in the country! The only thing I love more than my iPhone (and my baby and hubby blah blah blah) is FREE WIFI! (Hold on for a ‘here’s what’s wrong with this country’ rant - you know what, go pop the kettle on). The friggen price of accessing the internet is completely and utterly retarded in the biggest tongue in the biggest hydrocephalic-head sense. Forget the mobile roaming shit - that’s a whole nuther point of contention - I’m just talking about regular garden variety broadband/dsl/adsl2 access. $60? We pay $15 for UNLIMITED access in LA. Why am I paying $60 a month in Melbourne? (Ok $50 for the bundled package but again, don’t go there girlfriend cause I have a backlog of pent up hate for Netspace - Nutscrape THE shittiest of the Telco’s currently raping the country - that is at fever pitched breaking point on any given day.) I’ll tell ya “why”. Cause a 1 or 2 gig allowance per month is arse-punching bullshit of the highest order! Even my mother uses more than a gig a month. WHY do we have ‘capped’ usage at all?! Is it because Oliver’s Mr Bumble himself sits at the helm of The Internets and doles it out as HE see’s fit? “Well ferfucksake sir, I’d like some bloody more!” Australia, we’re turning into a slipshod little backwater. Kids in Haiti and Mongolia have better internet access than we do! And if any of those kids participating in the OLPC program knew how screwed up it is here, they’d be outraged too. They would sign my email petition. “If you don’t pass this on to 10 friends, your goat will die.”

Yes I realise what I’ve just written.

Like I said, I’m good at words ‘n that.

Thank you.

It’s a gift.

A gift and a burden.

But mostly a gift.

I shall go fan myself with an old script (nice callback) and download some more stuff onto my iPhone (zing!).

“Did you hear, she has an iPhone?”

iFahey xxxx

*(gawd I hate MySpace. Rich, get a pretty website already!)
** (et tu, Munners? Et tu?)

2 comments.

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